the.applied.process.

wit. honesty. everyday ramblings.

Category: Movies

King Of Pain

“There’s a little black spot on the sun today. It’s the same old thing as yesterday. There’s a black cat caught in a high tree top. There’s a flag-pole rag and the wind won’t stop.”

We were back in our bed and it felt great to wake up in it. Without wasting much time, we reverted to familiar habits and had our almost daily session of morning sexy time. A joint shower followed, and then work. I only stopped for a second at the office before returning to British Airways to finish our project there. After the 20 minutes of hard work, they threw a party for the inauguration of their new headquarters, and I was privileged enough to be invited.

I was feeling a bit anxious and still tired from the trip so I opted to take advantage of the free wine and numb myself normal. It didn’t work.

I tried distracting myself by befriending the sassy American-Italian receptionist I’d met on previous occasions, but that didn’t do much either.

I drank more and more till it was time to leave. Crippled, I took the train back to work where I was to meet ‘Nickle’ so we could walk the Williamsburg bridge back home and, although we’d planned a quite night just the two of us, we invited ‘Fixie’ to join us for dinner last minute.

After enjoying a cornucopia of grilled root vegetables, a couple of beers, and a few shots of whiskey, we went to the much missed Abbey to continue drinking and continue settling in to our mode de vie. Bad idea. I was still exhausted from the trip and that, plus the alcohol, plus my usual insanity ended up colliding into one massive clusterfuck of anxiety. I blew up. I am not exactly sure when, how, or why but it wasn’t pretty.

The bits and pieces I remember do not paint a pretty picture. I was uncontrollably emotional and somehow I managed to tell both ‘Fixie’ and ‘Nickle’ to leave me to my own self. Luckily, they were smart enough to fight me back and keep me in check. I, apparently, was also telling my babe not to leave because he was having a moment too and was about to step out. Like I said, I’m not really sure what went on but eventually I passed out with minimal damage done.

Wednesday I tried to pick up the pieces. ‘Nickle’ woke me up just as he was about to leave for work. Like I mentioned, I’m sure I was extremely exhausted because normally I wake up with him. He kissed me and said everything was alright. I walked to the kitchen table to find a note that read “Don’t let me fuck this up, please! I love you.” Are you kidding me!? I’m really not sure what happened, but what I am certain is that I should be the one writing such things. I laid in bed hoping I didn’t have to go to work because I was a complete emotional mess. Still exhausted. Still hung over. Still exposed.

I got up and talked to ‘Fixie’ who gave me his own version of the night. It was also spotty, but comforting in a weird way. I was not looking forward to work because I don’t like my job anymore. There! I said it. It does not bring me the joy and distraction from the rest of my life than it used to. Now I go to work because I have to. Because of my integrity. Because I care. Other than that, there really isn’t anything appealing. I practically work for free. I no longer want to be associated with the image the new boss has brought. I slowly and surely feel like I care less and less because other than me and a coworker, nobody seems to do so! Alright! Enough venting… back to the story.

I did end up taking a shower, freaking out, sucking it up, and going to work. Refer to the title. The bf and I made plans to have dinner together and have an early night. That thought lasted for a second. The lovely ‘Jose Maria’, ‘Viquers’, and ‘Fixie’ asked to meet for drinks, and ‘Nickle’ suggested going to Solas before venturing off to the ramen spot where we ate the second date we ever had. I, of course, obliged. I used to get mad about stuff like this, but I’ve come to realize that I shouldn’t. Although I often wish we could just go home, I can’t deny that I love to drink and go out. Maybe that’s the whole problem, it annoys me that I can’t say no although I really think I should sometime… but then again we go back to the thinking. I think too often. I think too much. I’m thinking. Right now. As I’m typing. More on that later…

And so we did. We ended up at Solas where, despite having agreed that maybe we should stop on the shots, we backtracked to “we’ll only take shots when offered, and not ask for them ourselves”. Who am I kidding? We are our own worst influence.

We left after a couple of beers and a couple of shots. To be honest, I did not feel anywhere near drunk. We nixed the noodle bar and somehow we ended in the middle of a shut-down 12th street at Motorino’s. Obama was dinning a few blocks west. We talked about the previous night and he reassured me I had his full support. It was all going well. I fell in love again. Deeper. Harder.

After the presidential caravan sped down the street just as we were ready to leave, we were allowed to step out into the sidewalk. We took the train back to Brooklyn and off into The Abbey we went. More unnecessary drinks and after taking a wrong turn somewhere between sanity and typical me, I lost it again. There was a little intervention performed. To my luck, everybody loves me and was trying to calm me down and be there with ‘Nickle’ who I feel like sometimes gets scared and does not know what to do with me. I’m not sure how much longer we stayed out.

Thursday morning we woke up to find all of our clothes strategically scattered around my room and spilling into the living room. We both could not remember what happened. And just like the weather, after the storm came the calm. We were being extremely affectionate with each other to the point where we fooled around, passed out, fooled around again, took a shower, and ‘Nickle’ ended up being late to work. He suggested we meet for lunch, but since we had already had our share of eating ass and sucking on dick, we figured we were pleasantly satiated for the afternoon. Instead, I skyped with ‘Jose Maria’ who gave me his always insightful two cents to the evening: we need to stop this cycle because it’s not going to be pretty later. I agreed.

I went to work with the same attitude and excitement I’d been having the past few days except this time I was a bit distracted daydreaming about the fact that I was going to see my old shrink for the first time in 21 months right after work! Right at 7pm I flew out the door and into the uptown 6 to go to 43rd and 2nd for a much needed paid 90 minutes of venting.

I should probably not disclose the exact details of my now reinstated weekly visits, but I will say this: the first time was eye opening. I was anxious and unstable the whole hour and a half and, although I felt somewhat comforted, I also felt more scared. I suppose it’s normal to feel that way since I was about to start tackling some skeletons that, just like I did, need to come out of the closet.

I left the shrink raw. First thing I did? I updated my Facebook status to state just that. I called ‘Jose Maria’ who instructed me to do anything but meet ‘Nickle’ since I was probably too emotional to do so. Instead, he suggested I come to Balthazar to meet him and the Greeks for ‘Tiny Narcissus’s’ going away dinner. I followed instructions.

The whole time I kept debating whether I wanted to drink or not and what time it would seem fitting to leave without making it seem like all I wanted to do was run into my baby’s arms and fall asleep on his chest. I drank. We ate. I calmed down for a second and before I knew it, we were paying for the bill and on our way out. The Greeks were going to The Standard and, although that sounded somewhat appealing since I hadn’t been there in months, I opted to join ‘Jose Maria’ for a couple of drinks at 10 Degrees so I could give him my two cents on the bartender who he currently fancies.

We took a cab to the bar and I continued to try and make sense of the plethora of emotions I was feeling. Nothing was coming out as expected. I wasn’t making much sense. I continued drinking and blabbering and going back and forth between thoughts. Useless. I made plans with ‘Nickle’ to meet at 11:45pm. It was 12:15am and I was still at the bar. I took a cab back to my place where I was supposed to meet the boyfriend, but I texted him right after getting off the bridge to find out that he was still at the bar where he’d been. I was a bit disappointed because that’s what I do. Sometimes I expect people to read my mind, and in my  mind I expected him to be home or at least on his way there. I let it go and just decided to meet him for a couple of more drinks. We cabbed it back home at a semi-decent hour and went to bed.

Upon waking up that Friday morning, ‘Nickle’ brought up a much obvious point: shots get us too crazy and we should probably refrain from taking them every single time we go out. He attributed his moment of Eureka to a talk he had with an old friend the previous night. Whatever it was, I was happy that one of us was actually thinking. No, I’ve never been a shot enthusiast, but I also don’t mind them, and I too practice other unwise behaviors I should probably reevaluate.

We were being lazy and really hung over so we didn’t shower. We’d been getting a lot into the intoxicating natural sent of our pits and, with that being established, we decided to skip the morning primping and instead add insult to injury by biking to work. Also, the bike ride would mean that later that night we’d have to bike back, and thus not get as wasted as we usually do. Yeah right…

I spent my day at work nursing my ill liver. I wanted to have a somewhat chill night so I emailed my boyfriend about a movie that had just opened and that I really wanted to see. The email went to Bulk Mail and right before I was about to leave, I texted him to ask why I never heard back. He mentioned he never saw the email and that he’d already made plans with friends to which I was, of course, invited. Drinks ensued at Solas.

Upon arriving, his friends noted that I was a bit off. They were right. I was. I’d been. On occasion, I still am. I blamed tiredness and the remnants of our exhausting Midwest road trip. They bought my story which bought me enough time to drink myself sane.

We were all hungry so we walked over to a ramen spot for some noodles. After food, some of the wiser crowd went home, the other went to a club, we were going to pick up our bikes and ride home but instead ended up back at Solas. We stayed for a couple of drinks till I received a text from the Greeks begging us to come to The Chelsea Hotel for ‘Tiny Narcissus’s’ last night out. With our best interest clearly in mind, we decided to oblige.

After the drunken bike ride to Chelsea, we finally arrived to our destination. We went in and danced and drank for a bit. I was a tad concerned of ‘Nickle’ and the Greeks getting along. They’re from two separate worlds in many different ways. I, being somewhere in the middle, can go one way or the other, but asking either of the other ends to trek to the opposite side is a bit more challenging. Regardless, he did better than I expected and, after losing himself in a few good tunes (I knew he’d like the music), we left to bike home. Big mistake.

Less than a block into my bike ride I stupidly ran into a parked SUV and hurt my leg. The numbing ethanol flowing through my veins provided just the right amount of anesthesia to allow me to get back on the bike and ride to the L train to somehow get home crippled but safe.The whole trip, ‘Nickle’ insisted on helping me out but I stubbornly kept trying to prove myself I could do it on my own so I wouldn’t let him. I ended up paying the price the morning after.

Saturday morning was my second of three intensive visits to the shrink. I woke up early and took a cab to her office as my man stayed home to run some much needed errands. The session was more intense than before. She commenced our talk with an apology for having, according to her, fallen for my showmanship and having spent a year worth of therapy dealing with issues which she claimed I used to mask the true underlying source of my anxiety. I’d go into the specific details regarding my homosexuality, money, codependency, and emotional withdrawal, but basically, it all boils down to daddy and mommy issues.

I left her office even more raw than before and even more terrified. The first thing I did was I called ‘Nickle’ to ask him if he was sure he wanted in because, if I was going to do this, I was probably going to have to do this with him by my side and, although it’s my own battle and I’m good at doing things on my own, sometimes I do need the support. He said he would and I firmly believe his words.

I left therapy and headed for work with an open wound. The day was not easy. What else is new?

That night, we made plans to go to the movies and then have dinner with ‘Martha’ and ‘Mrs. O’. After our first option was sold out, we ended up at The Angelika watching Martha, Marcy, May, Marlene which left a very sour taste in both our mouths and made me feel both hopeless (that I’ll never get better) and hopeful (that I’m not as fucked up as the main character). After the movie, we ventured to the awfully camp Hell’s Kitchen. We had a sip of wine at ‘Martha’s’ and then some food at a restaurant around the corner somewhere on 9th and the 40’s. Dinner was pleasant. From there we went to a dive bar a few blocks north to have a nightcap before heading back to Brooklyn. We took two shots and downed two beers. I received a text from a friend who used to live in the city but now lives in LA to inform me she was in town for the night and invite me to my other friend’s apartment for a drink since it was on the way home. We left Hell’s Kitchen and hailed a cab. Apparently, I had a moment in the cab. I do not remember the ride quite well. I do remember, however, stopping by my friend’s. I’m not sure how long we stayed but I assume it wasn’t long. We took another cab home and next thing I know (or… don’t know, actually) I was passed out and wasted.

I woke up on Sunday morning earlier than I wanted to because I wanted to make breakfast for us. I finished the remainder of the soyrizo ‘Ceviche Mama’ had mailed us from LA and made another scramble. I nixed the shower and ran out the door to my third and last shrink appointment. This time around, I felt more reassured than the previous two, and actually left feeling hopeful instead of devastatingly hopeless. I’d like to say that I think this is a good thing, but “worst case scenario” me irrationally thought already that it’s just that I was on a high, rather than a low, and that eventually it’ll all go back to the shitty usual. C’est la vie. The funniest thing about this is how I can totally recognize my behavior patterns, yet I feel completely powerless against them.

As planned, I walked over to the southeast corner of Central Park to meet ‘Nickle’ for a daytime date at the Guggenheim. On my way there, I spotted the holiday Lady Gaga workshop entrance at Barney’s and suggested to my babe that we check it out because, you know, that’s what the gays do. We spent about an hour and eighty-five dollars and then we got back on track. We decided to walk up by the park on 5th ave towards the museum because, you know, that’s what cute gay couples do on a Sunday afternoon. We got side tracked yet again, and instead of heading to the Gug, we ended at the Met. I became a member of my favorite museum in New York and we dilly dallied for a few hours till we decided to forget about the Maurizio Cattelan exhibit and just head to The Seahorse Tavern  for some early dinner before heading back to Brooklyn.

Dinner was splendid. We obviously had drinks but we limited the shots to just two. We were doing progress.

Our Sunday all day date continued with the obvious: a movie. We met up with ‘Fixie’, ‘Clive’, and ‘Gwen’ for a double (and a half) date to watch The Muppets. The movie was exactly what was needed to redeem the experience of watching the other utterly depressing movie the night before. It was light, it was witty, it was funny, it was right. My only complaint was that I was feeling a bit anxious and sometime towards the end a girl sitting right behind me had an epileptic seizure that scared the shit out of everyone inside the theatre. All I kept thinking as I stared in fear was that I was even more afraid of being in a similar situation and not knowing what to do. Yes, sometimes the anxiety is that much.

We left the theatre and walked over to a bar called The Boat where they were having x-mas craft night. We started drinking without any shots in mind and I frantically tried to keep myself busy to keep myself from giving in to the extraordinarily high levels of anxiety I was feeling. I was on the edge and neither the alcohol, nor the crafts were helping with my manic state. After a few drinks I managed to control it to the point where it was bearable. Because of my mania, I outcrafted everyone in the room and the bartender rewarded me with a shot. Just before leaving, two more followed.

We all disbanded and we walked back to the G train to head north to Williamsburg.

The train ride was a bit better. My babe noticed my state and commented on it. I told him that sometimes I just really want to control it all by myself so that’s why I chose not to ask for help. We went home, talked for a bit, I freaked out for a few, and then we crowned the amazing day with some much wanted butt sex just before going to bed. I didn’t use a condom.

That week is probably one of the most emotionally draining weeks I’ve had in a long time. I ripped some bandages, created new wounds, and reopened some old ones. It is the first time in a really long time that I’ve felt scared. Scared of myself, but not in a “teenage crazy” kind of way. I know my place in this world, and I’m not going anywhere. My only comment is that, just how I told my shrink, I never did plan for much of a future, and now that things are going great with work and the boyfriend, I’m just absolutely terrified of it. I don’t know how to act, and I fear I’m just going to make mistakes and lose everything. Mom and Dad issues.

I love my man, and the whole condom situation meant more than a careless act (like many people might think). I had promised myself I would never do that again after my ex, not because I was cheated on, but because I didn’t think I could ever develop that level of trust towards someone else. Am I worried about STD’s? Of course! I’m the king of hypochondria. Do I think he will give me something? Absolutely not! Unless he’s very secretly having random unprotected sex when he’s at work, I know he’s clean and he wouldn’t ever think to jeopardize us. How would I react if something happened? To be honest, I can live with an STD, you take a pill and you go on with your day. The real killer is the loss of trust. There are definitely no pills in the whole universe to recover that.

“I have stood here before inside the pouring rain with the world turning circles running ’round my brain, I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll end this reign, but it’s my destiny to be the king of pain.”

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Unison

“I thrive best hermit style with a beard and a pipe and a parrot on each side but now I can’t do this without you.”

Recently, ‘Bogo’ asked me if I’d like to work Monday to Fridays instead of Tuesdays to Saturdays. I have been running the pro’s and con’s of her suggestion over and over in my head and I still can’t figure out what I want to do. It’d be a great way of having a more “normal” schedule and having more weekend time with ‘Nickle’, or other friends, yet at the same time I really like working Saturdays. I like seeing ‘The Lady of Derbishire’ and my other coworker. I like being there half the weekend. I like having Mondays off so I can do whatever errands need to be accomplished and actually have the day to myself since ‘Nickle’ is at work, and the rest of the city is functioning at full speed. Still undecided, I told her I’d give it a try starting the next year.

The third Saturday of November I went to work as usual. I didn’t really want to be there and although I could’ve taken the day off, I decided not to. I did, however, leave early so I could meet ‘Nickle’, ‘Fixie’, and ‘Martha’ at my place to begin what was about to be a crazy night, it was The Abbey’s 14 year anniversary, and also one of my babe’s friend’s birthdays.

I got home before 6 pm and cleaned up a bit as I waited for my friends to arrive. The first one to come was ‘Martha’, we walked ‘Toto’ around the block for a bit, and then ‘Nickle’ showed up. We headed to The Abbey to commence the long night of drinking. I wanted to eat but I waited since I was promised there’d be good food at the bar. As expected, we started imbibing steady and heavily. Food did come after about 3 shot and beer combos, and I quickly proceeded to neutralize the alcohol with some substantial nutrients. It definitely helped. The night was off to a great start.

We stayed at The Abbey for longer than expected. A lot more friends ended up showing up. ‘Viquers’ and ‘Fixie’ had said they’d only come out for a bit but, after the alcohol kicked in, ‘Fixie’ was ready to rage. He texted asking me to help him sneak away from ‘Viquers’ who was sort of on baby sitting duty. Me and ‘Nickle’ went to the bodega on the corner to buy “cigarettes” and then told him to come meet us at mine with the excuse that he was picking up keys to stay there later. I told him to get in a cab with ‘Nickle’ and wait for me in the corner as I went back to The Abbey to explain to ‘Viquers’ that, because of the medication he was taking, he was loopy and passed out almost instantly. She believed my lie.

At around 10:30 pm we finally made it on our way to Park Slope for the remainder of the night.

The second leg of the evening was just as fun and just as drunk. I’d be lying if I tried to retell everything that happened. I was pretty forgetful by that point, but I do remember dancing to some sort of Latino music with one of the guys who lived in the apartment who was dressed as a Mariachi. I was also told me and ‘Nickle’ were making out profusely after we pranced around with different wigs, and we ended up drinking just like the Friday night before Montauk.

Sunday morning I was reminded I apparently got really drunk, a bit emotional, and blacked out. No harm done tho.

After the recap, we walked ‘Toto’, picked up some coffee, and took a shower/fooled around as ‘Fixie’ slept in the living room. We then all went for brunch across the street at El Almacen, an Argentinian restaurant with amazing lobster tacos and a dulce de leche french toast that I’d be willing to get a couple of cavities for. We nursed our hang overs with some margaritas and fernet.

For the rest of the day, we all had bike rides to accomplish. ‘Fixie’s’ included a date, and we had a very long one all around Brooklyn.

The first stop of the trip was at ‘Nickle’s’. We shared a coffee and donuts in his deck, picked up some stuff needed for the day, and rode bikes back past my place and to bedstuy. The second stop involved picking up some of his stuff his friend had borrowed a while ago and had left at another friend’s apartment. We didn’t stay for long, we still had a full day so we asked our hosts to come join us for dinner but, since they weren’t in the mood for it, we went our separate ways.

We rode over to ‘Judy’s’ apartment a short 5-10 minutes away. She’d just moved to a place off the Nostrand A train and had invited us to check it out. The apartment, sitting on the top story of a brownstone, was one to envy. For a second, it made me think of my future and where I’d want to live with ‘Nickle’, what I’m willing to sacrifice, and when did my convictions begun to change so drastically. My stomach made a growling sound and pinched me back to reality. We were hungry and we left to get some food.

I was having a bit of anxiety, nothing different from the usual. I kept trying to control it as we walked for 15 minutes to an Indian restaurant further into Brooklyn. The food was appropriate. I hadn’t ventured to eat Indian in a while because I was still holding on to the one time I was in Birmingham at ‘Capital-G’s’ mom’s place eating the most delicious home made Indian dishes I’ve ever had. Regardless,  like much of the other things in my life, I decided to not be afraid and just give it a try.

After dinner, we walked ‘Judy’ back to her apartment and we got our bikes to continue on the last lap of the tour de Brooklyn. We biked south to south slope to ‘Ceviche Mama’s’ friend’s place to pick up a much craved transamerican soyrizo. I had been wanting to make my famous soyrizo scramble for breakfast for my baby but had not been lucky in finding the specific brand I was looking for. After a bit of research I realized they don’t even sell in New York State, so I placed an order on Facebook, and my dear friend responded to my plea.

I stuffed the two vegan sausages down my chest and we finished the cycle by cycling back to my apartment to feed ‘Toto’, and then to ‘Nickle’s’ apartment. We watched a few episodes of  Lisa Kudrow’s canceled faux docu-sitcom “The Comeback” (which if you haven’t watched yet, please do… it’s a must), fooled around for a bit, and went to sleep. It felt incredibly nice to sleep at his place.

Monday morning we did a bit more of fooling around. He always suggests I stay sleeping but, even though I do feel at home when I’m at his place, I don’t like being there without him. Not yet, at least. We biked back to my apartment and his subway stop.

As soon as I got home, I showered quickly, fed my dog again, and headed in to the city. My friend ‘Martha’ had gotten me and ‘Jose Maria’ tickets to MARTHA (the show). I was excited to see the queen of home media in the flesh so I dressed according to the strict dress code I was emailed (“Martha loves bright colors” it said), put on the happiest fake smile I could, and waited in line amidst a few hundred midwest moms, a couple of craft loving gays, and a very moody and hung over ‘Jose Maria’.

After a long two hour wait, we were seated a few feet from where she would be making cookies (it was the beginning of cookie week), and I was getting a bit nervous. A few minutes later, she walked on stage looking overpoweringly robotic. From then on, every thing seemed orchestrated with extraordinary precision. I could tell that this woman is where she is because of who she is, and she knows it. The guests and the audience all moved to her subtle commands disguised under her charming persona. It was hard to take my eyes away from her presence, and kind of impossible to believe that this tender woman in a meticulously picked out outfit, has been to jail and back. At the same time, I could totally picture her being the matriarch of her fellow female inmates. I loved every single second of the hour and a half we were there. We left the show with a cookie gun, and a clay stamp.

At around 4 pm, I dragged ‘Jose Maria’ with me to run a few errands, we had lunch at Dos Toros near Union Square, and then a couple of drinks at Park Bar. I was still feeling anxiety and the alcohol wasn’t helping. We left the bar when he needed to go meet another one of his friends, and I walked to the theatre by myself to see a movie as I waited for ‘Nickle’ to get off work.

The anxiety got pretty bad and I passed out in the theatres. I woke up 90 minutes later to the last 15 minutes of The Immortals which I didn’t bother to watch because I had missed the whole movie. I left and walked over to whole foods to get some stuff to make food with my babe.

I met him outside the grocery store and we took the train home together.

That night, he cooked us dinner, I had a bit of anxiety, we took a shower, fooled around for a bit, and passed out with each other’s lips interlocked. It was one of the sweetest things that I have ever felt. I woke up a few hours later to a hand full of dried cum. I had another anxiety attack and finally passed out for the rest of the night.

Tuesday morning did not start good. I had a weird dream about my dad being diagnosed with liver cancer that set my anxiety off very early. My babe calmed me down and I got a hold of myself. I had promised him to make us breakfast with the soyrizo we had picked up so I got off bed and made us my famous scramble. We enjoyed a breakfast together, he left for work and I passed out again. I had another bad dream about me talking to my dad and telling him about my anxiety. I woke up to a bad fit, and texted ‘Nickle’ for some help. Again, he calmed me down.

A few minutes later, I finally mustered up the energy to take a shower and went to work. The day was weird and I was not feeling good at all. I am not really sure what happened the rest of the day other than I think we were drunk and I was trying to tell ‘Nickle’ we should stay at his place so he could make a bag for our Thanksgiving trip, but he insisted he would make do with what he had at my place so we didn’t go to his. Other than that, nothing comes to mind. I am sure it’s more of the usual, but I do know that the anxiety has been bad to the point where I go through periods without remembering what’s happening. I’m scared.

“I never thought I would compromise. Let’s unite tonight. We shouldn’t fight. Embrace you tight. Let’s unite tonight.”

Halo

“Remember those walls I built? Well baby they’re tumbling down.”

All I really wanted was to get out that plane and rush home to my boyfriend. In a surprisingly quick and effortlessly streamlined turn of events, the plane landed, the bags came, the cab was waiting, the traffic was minimal, and I was home faster than I’d expect to be. I texted ‘Nickle’ that I was ready and waiting for him. He showed up 10 minutes after I put my luggage down.

After the romantic movie reconnecting moment we hung out at my apartment for a bit, planned on going out for a drink to The Abbey, but ended up delaying that a bit for some quality sexy time. Drinks came eventually, but only a couple. All I wanted was to sleep next to my handsome and my pup.

Wednesday I had a really long day at work. Not being in for a few days really piles up so despite being tired, I rolled with the punches and worked it out. I was still on my “glad to be back in New York” high so time flew by. I made plans with ‘Fixie’ and ‘Viquers’ to grab a very inexpensive bite and some drinks but, of course, I had my own personal agenda: ‘Nickle’, so I managed to butter them up with a beer at my work, and then suggested we go meet my man and his lovely friend before doing whatever it is we were originally going to do.

We walked east down Spring and ended up at Milady’s where ‘Nickle’s’ friends managed to get us absolutely wasted for pennies and dimes. The start of the evening went great. We munched on some fried finger foods and drank and smoked like we usually do. I stepped outside for a second and talked to my friend ‘Chet’ who’s been going through a messy breakup and has been having a hard time dealing with it. I didn’t let him indulge much since his belle is one of my best friends and no one likes hearing negative things about their besties. I told him I had to get back to ‘Nickle’ which was my real reason for hanging up the phone. I just can’t get enough.

We had a few more unnecessary rounds and left. ‘Fixie’ and ‘Viquers’ went home. I headed with ‘Nickle’ to “the church” to go meet ‘Jose Maria’. From this point on the night gets blurry. Obviously, we kept on drinking. I remember making a point to introduce my man to DJ both to let ‘Nickle’ know I was dead serious about him and to let DJ know the same. We left shortly after and stumbled home.

Thursday was another unbelievably busy day. I felt like a true Mexican doing extensive physical work but, thankfully, the day flew by again. I left work later than usual and met up with ‘Jose Maria’ and a couple of the Greeks to have dinner before meeting a new Facebook friend I’d been meaning to have a drink with. We tried Hecho en Dumbo but due to my time restrictions decided to go across the street to Gemma. Dinner was not the best. I was still all smiles thinking about, who else, my man. We got a table later than I hoped for, ordered drinks and food, and waited a good 40 minutes till I switched to my usual “issues with service” mode and left my friends. It was 10:15 pm, I was meeting my friend at 10:30, and my food was nowhere to be seen. My Greek friends were not too pleased but, again, I was having a fit and there was no stopping me.

I hailed a cab and rode across the bridge and into Brooklyn to end at Metro. I ordered a drink, waited for my friend and smoked a cigarette. He showed up 5 minutes later. It was the first time meeting him in person. I had added this guy on Facebook a few weeks ago when I did one of those stupid Facebook apps that show you people who you have the most in common with and he happened to be, according to Facebook, the one in New York who matched me the best. After a few drinks, some dumplings, and a few cigarettes (on my part), I can see what Facebook meant. He was a writer who had a similar sense of humor and outlook on life. I told him I had to leave and meet my prince charming and so I did. He took the train back to Connecticut.

I stopped at The Abbey for the usual nightcap and my ‘Nickle’ fix. Not sure what he’s doing to me, but I’m clearly addicted. Hugs, kisses, “I love you’s”, and bed time. This crazy stupid Mexican was crazy stupid happy.

Friday was busy, but not as busy. It was nice to catch a break. I was also glad to have one of those nice 6 o’clock wine drinking evenings with ‘The Cock of the North’. It had been a while, but it was well welcomed. I had asked ‘Nickle’ to come with me to my friend’s birthday party around the corner and being the pleasing gentleman he is, he agreed. He met me at work, enjoyed some wine with me and my coworkers, and we walked over to El Portal for a burrito and a quesadilla. I’m trying to satiate him with as much south of the borderness as he can handle. We left the restaurant and met ‘Fixie’ who was also going to the party. Sadly, he’d been recently broken up with and was not in the best of moods. It is not my place to discuss the implications of said break up but all I know is that I’m here to help him in whatever he might need. We’re going to Florida next month.

The party was interesting. I was excited to show off my new man to my old friends but I forgot that the art school and fashion crowd is not always the easiest to swallow. Overall, it was fine, but there were a few moments that weren’t necessary, for example, ‘The Queen of the Dammed’ made a dumb comment on the age difference between me and ‘Nickle’. He’s 11  years my senior and that’s the least of my concerns, but someone thought it was worth putting it out there. Another friend mentioned that our dress style is completely different. Again, who cares?! I forgot, fashion kids do. We didn’t stay for long, the ambiance wasn’t right. I did my round of goodbyes and told ‘Fixie’ to come with us if he wanted to leave. He said he’d catch up later.

We strolled to a bar somewhere on Ludlow where two of his friends were bar tending. Upon arrival, I was greeted with the same excitement I’ve grown accustomed to. Apparently, this man talks wonders of me. It feels good to go places where they’re happy to see you even when they’ve never met you. Consequently, the bar tending girls kept the alcohol flow strong and steady. ‘Fixie’, ‘Mexican Paddington’, and ‘The Queen of the Dammed’ stopped by for one last round and then we all took off. Before heading home I asked if we could go see ‘Jose Maria’ because I’ve been kind of neglecting him. Again, my prince obliged.

We drunkenly walked over to Ten Degrees and saw the Greeks for a split second. We were already wasted.

I was having so much fun that after leaving I wanted to stop for one last round at The Abbey. The moment we stepped through the door people pointed out how drunk we were. I was. I was intoxicated with alcohol and drunk in love. The friendly bartender poured us a night cap and sent us to bed. I have to say that despite my hypocritical bitching about ‘Nickle’ drinking too much sometimes, I had one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. I love having him as a partner in crime, and I also love that we’ve both agreed that every now and then it’s fine to get stupid.

The weekend was off to a good start. Saturday work. Standard. I spent most of the day gossiping with ‘The Lady of Derbyshire’ and training the new intern who sadly happens to not be the brightest crayon in the box (which is ironic because she’s black… I’m not a racist, I just enjoy racist jokes). Come 6 o’clock we opened another bottle of wine and started the evening. My amazing boss and great friend, ‘The Cock of the North’, invited us all to Sweet and Vicious for a drink after work. ‘Nickle’ came to pick me up and we had a couple of strong margaritas. Apparently, during one of my drink fetching rounds my boss mentioned to ‘Nickle’ how happy he was for me. I am telling you, it gets better and better each day.

As planned, we left the bar to go grab a slice of pizza and walk over to a bar on 7th and 2nd for his friend’s birthday (what is up with these women getting pregnant in January!). I experienced the same usual welcome. They uttered the usual “So nice to meet you”, “We’ve never seen ‘Nickle’ this happy”, “You’re very lucky”, all of which I agree. We ordered a couple of drinks, smoked a few cigarettes, and I freaked out briefly when some guy was showing interest in my handsome. I am not a very jealous person at all, but I’m still in disbelief this man, who gets praised everywhere he goes, has picked me out of everyone out there. I am aware that I too am quite the catch, but I’m also aware there are better. Anyway… I constantly try to not over think it and just enjoy my luck.

We left his friends to walk down to The Delancey to meet my friends for another birthday party (seriously… January!). After trying to decipher where they were (the place has multiple stories and they’re not all easily accessible), we finally found them. We were already quite drunk and tired so we only had a couple of whiskey gingers, congratulated the birthday girl, and headed home.

We had a brief talk about my anxiety right around the corner. I love that he’s so understanding and willing to work with me. I suggested that instead of cabbing it, we just walked the Williamsburg bridge. Romantic. We talked and kissed and stopped and talked and kissed and stopped all the way to The Abbey. Again, plastered, we had a nightcap and headed home. Another happily drunken night to remind me to shut up and stop complaining sometimes.

Sunday I had to open. The train wasn’t running so I took a cab to the city. ‘Nickle’ tagged a long and picked up his bike in front of my work. It was a slow day and only me and the intern were going to be there today. Again, the intern proved to be quite useless when I asked here to do very basic computer stuff. I had so much hope for her sassy attitude and willingness to learn, but I think it’d be too time consuming to shape her into something of use. On top of that, I didn’t have the best day. I kept seeing pictures on Facebook of ‘Nickle’, and other friends out and about enjoying the great weather and here I was stuck in my 12 to 7. The only redeeming thought was my movie date later that night.

The plan was to grab a bite and go watch Limelight. ‘Nickle’ didn’t come till 7:30 which was fine except I really wanted to see him and I wanted to get out early. Regardless, my day took a turn for the better the moment I heard the sound of his bike chain clinking as he was locking it outside the theatre. Tickets, sodas, and caramel corn in hand we sat down to watch a mildly entertaining movie. Upon completion, we walked back to his friends’ bar on Ludlow for a few more rounds, and then to The Abbey to meet the usuals. The night was slow and quiet which was very welcomed because the past two nights we’d barely been able to crawl home. As promised, I told him I’d sleep over at his, and I quote him, “Polish palace” because I don’t work on Mondays and he does, plus I really like his place, so we dropped off my stuff, fed ‘Toto’ and walked over to Greenpoint for some sexy time before catching some Z’s.

Monday he woke up and got ready. He offered I could stay and sleep in, but I figured I’d be better getting up and having an early start. I had lots of plans for the day.

I walked with him to the train and decided to head to the city. I wanted to spend more time with him and I needed to buy some stuff for a couples dinner party I had planned that night with ‘The Cock of the North’, his wife, and my boy. Sadly, my boss texted me within minutes of getting off the train apologizing for not being able to make it. I was a bit bummed but had the dinner party anyway with ‘Jose Maria’ and ‘The Lady of Derbyshire’.

I bought some wine glasses and groceries, stopped by work (even though I didn’t have to come in), helped out  a bit, and headed home to prepare for the night. I quickly cleaned, did some laundry, showered, and started preparing food. ‘Nickle’ showed up at 7 pm promptly followed by ‘The Lady of Derbyshire’. I poured them a glass of wine and continued my cooking. At around 8 pm we dined. The menu consisted of different lettuces salad with a balsamic vinaigrette, some garlic french bread, spinach fettucini with fake bolognese, and some bourbon and vanilla ice cream for desert. I stupidly undercooked the pasta and failed to deliver. Everybody was thankful and happy, but the dinner was not up to par with what I consider my guests deserved.

We spent a few hours watching bad TV and my guests parted one by one. I was left with my man, who’s no longer considered a guest. We talked a bit more, I asked him to have a look at my asshole because I felt a bit weird and I’m a hypochondriac, and then we went to bed. Again, he makes me smile all the time.

At around 6 in the morning we both woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. We had another amazing session of sexy time and got ready for the day. We walked around with ‘Toto’ and some morning beverages till we parted ways. He had to work, I had a doctor’s appointment.

I went into the city and to the M.D. for a new patient physical. The doctor, who happens to be ‘Nickle’s’ as well, was amazing. Despite being annoyed that I had to wait over an hour past my scheduled time, I was really glad to see him. I spent about 45 minutes talking to him about all my itty bitty concerns which made me feel better. My ass is perfectly fine. During the visit, I realized how much I’m enjoying this relationship, and how much I need to work on letting myself enjoy it. I left the office relieved and I walked to work. On my way I talked to my parents about the visit and felt reassured that they’re supporting me in all aspects of my life.

Tonight there’s another event. ‘Nickle’ mentioned he’d stop by, and I can’t wait to flaunt him around even more. I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

“I swore I’d never fall again, but this don’t even feel like falling.”

You Give Me Something

“I was meant to tread the water, now I’ve gotten in too deep. For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away.”

Preamble to a pivotal moment.

Friday I worked. Nothing special nothing new. After work I had plans to finally have the toga party I’d been organizing with ‘Fixie’ and ‘Viquers’ and then meet ‘Nickle’ at a karaoke bar in China Town for his friend’s birthday. The first part of the evening fell through and the second one wasn’t going to start till much later so I met ‘Jose Maria’ for dinner. We went to BarMarche on Spring and Elizabeth because I’d been wanting to try their famous shrimp risotto. I was disappointed. However, I had a great time as I spent most of it advocating for my behavior and my emotions to ‘Jose Maria’ who was questioning my recent affair with ‘Nickle’.

We left the restaurant, met up with ‘John G’, and walked to China Town to sing some out-of-tune tunes with ‘Nickle’ and co. My future exboyfriend was late, and I wasn’t planning on staying long. I was still in a weird game playing mode, despite not really wanting to. I feel like more than playing games, I’m trying to conserve who I am and not just let myself go completely because I don’t like myself much when I do. I only stayed for a drink after drunken ‘Nickle’ came and I left with my peeps to go meet some of ‘Jose Maria’s’ friends at Boxers in Chelsea.

The bar was horrible. I had never been but I could not find a redeeming quality for it, other than maybe I got to hang out with a questionably straight friend of his friends who I used to think was very good looking till I saw pictures of him all trimmed and proper. Again, we didn’t stay long. A couple of cocktails and awkward moments later we were out the door to meet more of ‘Jose Maria’s’ circle at a different part of town.

The night led us to the appropriately named Hell’s Kitchen to a bar called Industry. Being well aware that said bar was not going to redeem the evening I started drinking more and planning my escape. There is really nothing worthy of telling other than I met a boy who ‘Jose Maria’ likes who I thought was somewhat cute and decided to flirt a bit with him just because, I wasn’t going to do anything at all, just wanted to see what the boy would do. I stepped outside with ‘John G’ and we opted for heading home without saying goodbyes, much like I sometimes do when I’m drunk, bored, and have better plans in mind.

Before heading home, I stopped at ‘The Abbey’ where I naturally ran into ‘Nickle’. I had a couple of drinks with him and we went back to my place. I really enjoy his company more and more every day yet, at the same time, I’m somewhat hypocritically concerned with his drinking habits. I rarely see the man sober, and I’d really like to, yet I don’t feel it’s my place to say so. We sloppily cuddled and passed out.

Saturday morning I met ‘The Lady of Derbishire’ at her school so she could show me some pointers about how to use the equipment we were going to take on an upcoming trip to Marfa, TX to film a short documentary she needs in order to graduate. We showed up at work a bit late and spent most of the slow day planning the rest of our trip and looking for Yankee tickets. I had decided the night before that rain or shine and despite the price I was going to see the Yankees before the season was over. I posted my plans on Facebook and asked in anyone was interested in joining me. One of ‘Nickle’s’ friends wanted to but our schedules didn’t mesh so I ended up buying two tickets for me and a coworker for Sunday evening.

After work I met ‘Jose Maria’ and his friend in the West Village for dinner. We went to a new place called Empellon. The food was a deliciously new take on Mexican. ‘Jose Maria’ had had a crazy night and me and his friend just kept trying to lighten the mood by casually teasing him about it.

When we left the restaurant, we witnessed a guy in his bike get hit by a cab who’d run a red light. The cab driver stupidly tried to argue his way out even though there were about 20 witnesses who clearly saw it was his fault. He then more stupidly took off without waiting for the cops. To be honest, I feel slightly bad for him, but that was a pretty retarded move. I stayed with the accidentee for half hour till the cops came and gave my info in case they needed my statement. ‘Freckles’, who was in town visiting and I’d met earlier in the day, showed up with ‘John G’ wanting to go dancing somewhere in the meat packing. ‘Jose Maria’, his friend, and I were not really in the mood so we tried diverting them to other bars. At some point, the ambiance changed and no one was really feeling it. Everybody was being undeceive and I got annoyed so I bailed on all of them and headed to Brooklyn. I was craving some ‘Nickle’ time. I met him at The Abbey for a few more rounds with his friends. Naturally, we got even more drunk and went home.

Sunday morning I woke up and fooled around with ‘Nickle’ for a brief bit. I rushed to work because I was opening and I was the only one with keys. As usual, I was a bit late but it wasn’t an issue. I had decided to make the day a short one as I had a Yankees game to go to. I spent most of the time training the new intern and wasting time watching youtube videos. We all left at around 6 pm and I headed to the stadium.

I was extremely excited for the game. I had never been to one and although I’m not a huge sports fan, I do love going to games. My coworker added to the excitement because she, as well as everyone around us, is an avid fan. The game, aside from the Yankees losing, did not disappoint me. It went into extra innings and I’d made it a mission to stay till the end. It only took 5 hours.  ‘Jose Maria’ kept texting to meet up, but I didn’t. We left at around 11 and headed back to Brooklyn. Again, I went to The Abbey, met up with my handsome almost boyfriend, and decided to spend the night together. This time, however, we went to his place.

He lives a 10 minute bike ride from my place at a studio on the top floor with an awesome deck. He was a bit apprehensive about taking me there because, as he’s been before, he was a bit insecure about what I’d think. To be honest, I don’t get why. I am far from judgmental, and superficial things are never an issue.

I woke up when he was trying to kiss me goodbye, he offered I could stay and leave whenever as he had to work and I didn’t, but I didn’t feel I should the first night. I took off on my bike and went to see my dog. I spent most of the day running errands and I went to the IFC center to see “Weekend”. ‘Ursa’, the wife of ‘The Cock of the North’, texted me to invite me to go see Oh Land perform later that night but I had made plans with my friend ‘Bellefille’ to have dinner with ‘Jose Maria’, so after the movies I went to meet them a sushi bar in the West Village. I hadn’t see her in a few months so I couldn’t cancel, and I wanted to catch up. Luckily, ‘Ursa’ texted me saying the band wasn’t playing till 10:30 pm so I had time to do both and I told her I’d be there.

After dinner we went for a quick drink to ‘Bellefille’s’ new apartment she’d bought with her husband. The place was incredible, a three story penthouse in NoHo with magnificent views of downtown. We polished a bottle of champagne and I left.

The show was great. I’d seen Oh Land before but never a full set. After it was done I texted a friend from San Diego, ‘Baby’s Arm’, who was in town to come meet me for drinks at Swift on Bowery and 4th where I was going to meet ‘Nickle’. I can’t stop thinking about this man. I want to see him all the time. ‘Jose Maria’ joined as well. We had our first drink, and having to show my friend around we left and walked to The Boiler Room. Again, one drink and out the door we went. The next bar was The Cock, which ‘Baby’s Arm’ favored over the other two. It was getting kind of late and we were all ready for bed so, after another drink and some shots, my friend went back to his hotel and me and ‘Jose Maria’ went to Brooklyn. We stopped by The Abbey for a nightcap and then headed home. I had a massive anxiety attack over ‘Nickle’ and where things were going. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t enjoy losing control, or opening up.

As a somewhat predictable twist of fate, ‘Nickle’ rang my door bell. I slept next to him and somewhat calmed down.

“‘Cause you give me something that makes me scared, alright. This could be nothing but I’m willing to give it a try. Please give me something ’cause someday I might know my heart.”

Hang With Me

“And if you do me right, I’m gonna do right by you. And if you keep it tight, I’m gonna confide in you. I know what’s on your mind there will be time for that too if you hang with me hang with me.”

I woke up Monday morning next to a very naked ‘Nickle’. ‘Fixie’ was sleeping in the living room but he left around 11 am to go to work. We ventured from the bedroom to the living room in our birthday suits and hung out smoking cigarettes and figuring out the plans for the day. I needed to stay at home and clean/write/hang out with ‘Toto’ but I also wanted to go to the movies. ‘Nickle’ had plans of meeting his best friend for one last meal before he left, but wanted to hang out with me too so we decided to go see Contagion first, and then meet up with his friend for brunch. The movie was good but almost too real. It felt more like watching CNN than an actual feature film which I suppose is nice, but not for 2 hours.

We left the theatre and headed to the west village where we picked up his friend and a slice of greasy pizza. Then we walked to Washington Square where we sat on the lawn and enjoyed the spectacle that were the south east corner natives: plenty of bums, one who got arrested for barking at people, another one who decided to jump in the fountain in his boxers, and one who delighted the park with tunes coming out of a radio recorded tape and a boom box. I was mildly tired so I rested on ‘Nickle’s’ lap for most of the evening. I was texting a friend of mine, ‘Arrogant A’, who was in town with her new beau, and making plans to meet later for dinner and/or drinks. ‘Jose Maria’ stopped by after a few hours because he wanted to meet ‘Nickle’. He kept giving me his snarky grin the whole time. I casually smiled back.

At around 6 pm we decided to go grab some dinner. I wasn’t meeting ‘Arrogant A’ till 9 pm so we stayed in the West/East Village and asked for a table at Ippudo. We left to a bar around the corner to meet some of ‘Nickle’s’ friends as we waited for our table to be ready. A beer later we rushed back to devour some of the most amazing noodles I’ve ever had. Sadly, ‘Nickle’ and ‘Jose Maria’s’ taste buds were not working that night because they didn’t seem to agree with me.

We hurried back to my place to wait for my visiting friends. They were a bit late but not too bad. ‘Arrogant A’s’ new man was stunning, and a really nice guy at first impression. As expected, she kept making infantile comments about how this guy is hotter than her ex, and other similar statements so she could feel validated. We enjoyed a couple glasses of wine at my places before heading out to The Abbey where we dropped off ‘Nickle’ but not before having a drink with him and his friends. Then I took my guests to Hotel Delmano for another round, and last but not least we went to Union Pool. She kept having verbal diarrhea and I was getting tired of finding subtle ways to disagree without making her feel stupid because to be honest, it doesn’t matter. She wouldn’t be able to understand that she sounds so immature bad mouthing others. I suggested to ‘Jose Maria’ we fake tiredness (although it wasn’t that hard as I was actually really tired) and pretend to leave so they would go home and I could go with him to Metro for some alone friends time which hadn’t happened for a while as of that moment. Luckily, they asked to leave because they too were a bit tired. I was glad to oblige. My tour of Billyburg was done for them.

Me and ‘Jose Maria’ did as planed. A drink at Metropolitan followed by another drink at The Abbey and then we went home.

Tuesday I went to a much needed session of Bikram. I got back home, took a nap, and ran some of the many errands I had to run. I am still not caught up after my California trip. I’d made plans with some friends to go to trivia night in the Upper East Side. I invited quite a few people, but in the end it was me, ‘Jose Maria’, ‘Arrogant A’ and her man, and three other friends of friends. The night was going great until we came in fourth place. Being the competitive beasts we all are, we were not satisfied… but like the host of the night said: “it’s only trivia people”. We left the restaurant defeated but with plans for a rematch the following week.

I took ‘Jose Maria’, ‘Arrogant A’, and her boyfriend to the ACE for some pre-Le Bain cocktails. Again, she continued being herself which I don’t understand. I feel like when I met her, 8 years ago, I could somewhat relate as I had just moved out, had just come to terms with my sexuality, and was way more green. Unlike her, I’ve grown a lot as a person and I really don’t think I would be friends with her if I was to meet her today. It seems like she’s stuck in the past and it’s sad because although she’s nothing but nice to me, she isn’t to others, and that’s not something that I look for or appreciate in friends. Regardless, I decided to give her a treat and take her to The Standard where, being who she is, she would feel exalted at the fact that she was going to what she’d consider a very hip, exclusive club, and she would get to bypass the line (via me of course). As soon as we crossed the door she made her customary comment: “Did you see that fat guy begging to get in? how pathetic.”

Needless to say, she loved it. We hung out on the rooftop for an hour enjoying some cocktails in the pleasant windy fall breeze that’s been grazing New York lately. After two drinks and with a bladder full of alcohol, we all went to the bathroom and I left them to go to the Boom Boom Room for a brief minute. Like I’ve said before, I’m getting too old for the crowd at Le Bain, and I certainly don’t mind paying the extra two dollars per drink for some nicer, quieter, more civilized company.

After finishing my drink I left the Boom Boom Room to go meet the others. Not to sound like an asshole, but I will get ‘Arrogant A’ into Le Bain but not into Boom Boom. She should stay with her kind. Briefly after I returned she mentioned she was ready to leave, and so was I, I had plans to meet ‘Nickle’ for a night cap. ‘Jose Maria’ stayed behind to play his games.

We shared a cab back to Brooklyn. I got off somewhat close to my place, handed them 6 dollars and left them on their way. I arrived at The Abbey to a charmingly drunk (as usual) ‘Nickle’. I was feeling a bit honest that night so I decided to come clean about DJ. He took it surprisingly well. I mentioned I wasn’t fucking around but I also wasn’t looking to rush into a relationship which he found commendable of me. He offered to take this whole thing as slowly as I needed it to go which I found commendable of him. All my raw honesty inspired him to come clean as well. His secret? Something I can’t divulge but let’s just say that, although I’m not surprised because I kind of knew, it complicates things. It is a health issue and I am a hypochondriac. No, it’s not HIV.

That night we decided to sleep in our respective beds. According to both of us, it wasn’t because of the truths we had just revealed, but because of logistics. He worked early and I needed to catch up on some sleep. I think a very small part of us was somewhat influenced by the revelations… Not necessarily because they were life changing, but because they sobered us up a bit.

Wednesday: work. The new intern was in for his second day. We spent most of the time setting up for an event we had on Thursday but also trekking around the city doing pick ups and deliveries. I got off earlier at around 6 pm and took one of the most retarded cab rides from the Upper East Side to Chelsea to meet ‘The Lady of Derbishire’ for yet another art opening at Gagosian. This time: Richard Serra.

‘Nickle’ had been wanting to see me which kind of went against the whole idea of taking things slowly. I told him I had plans because, although I do enjoy his company, I wanted to have my usual Wednesday and end up at “church” for one last one on one “confession” with DJ before he left for Greece for two weeks.

Coincidentally, after the opening I went to Momofuku for my friend’s birthday and ‘Nickle’ was at a bar around the corner. I was tempted to invite him but opted not to because that went against my original plan and I like sticking to my guns.

After a disappointing dinner, not because of the company but because of the food, me, ‘Jose Maria’, and birthday girl ‘Sassy G’ went for birthday drinks at 10 Degrees where she’d told the rest of her friends to meet for the celebrations. I wasn’t in the best of moods as I’ve been lately due to all these boys I’m juggling. I tried and mingled but eventually just retracted to a lonely stool by the counter away from the party where I reverted to a comfortable spot: talking to strangers.

I counted the minutes till a time I deemed appropriate to excuse myself and go to “church” and after finishing my last drink there I did as planned. I’d paid my dues.

There was something in the air that night because “church” didn’t feel as holy… maybe I was too drunk. Part of the birthday crew joined shortly. I can’t remember specifics but I’m quite sure the night was similar to every other Wednesday night.

I left with DJ at close time a few minutes after ‘Jose Maria’ had left alone (surprisingly). DJ was in the mood for some sexy time but I was too drunk to perform and managed to pass out before I embarrassed myself.

The next morning I rushed home because I’d promised ‘Nickle’ I’d bike to work so we could bike back together. I texted DJ apologising for my antics to which he replied it was fine and he wouldn’t have had it any other way. Sometimes the man is a sweetheart.

Work was long and stressful. As I mentioned, we had an event that night. Out of all my guests only ‘John G’ and ‘Nickle’ showed up. I left with ‘Nickle’ at around 8:30 pm to go meet a friend and see Peter, Bjorn & John perform at the Music Hall in Williamsburg. Despite the weather we biked back over the devilish bridge and into my neighbourhood. The show was better than I expected but a bit too long. I wanted it to end so I could go celebrate my heritage with a burrito and a margarita and cheer to my country’s independence. Before midnight I got one of the two.

A few minutes after midnight the encore was done and I had ‘Nickle’ following my stubborn ass all over billyburg looking for a damn burrito. After a few unsuccessful attempts we ended up at LA Burrito for a subpar experience but enough to temporarily tame my pregnant cravings. We biked back to my place and ‘Nickle’ spent the night (again!).

I was ready (again!) for a weekend without boys.

“Just don’t fall recklessly, headlessly in love with me ’cause it’s gonna be all heartbreak, wistfully painful and insanity. If we agree, oh, you can hang with me.”

Bye bye ‘Bucky’…

The beginning of the end started last Monday. ‘Buck’s’ last 72 hours were slipping out of our puffy hung over fingers. As usual, my two dear friends, the aforementioned and ‘Jose Maria’, had decided to stay up giving in to their drunk munchies and watching movies. I on the other hand, had fallen asleep promptly. A girl’s gotta watch her figure and I’m not 21 anymore.

They had planned an eventful MOMA/harry potter day, but it’s hard to do all these things when you’re retardedly hung over and you wake up literally after noon, so instead we nixed the museum and just watched the very confusing last chapter of Miss Rowling’s most successful best sellers. After the movies I had agreed to meet ‘Sandpaper’ for a Mexican dinner and maybe some rooftop pool action. We went to Dos Caminos in the meatpacking. The food is not the best but the view is nice, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to introduce him yet to my special Brooklyn Mexican eatery ‘Mesa Coyoacan’, also, I didn’t want to  take him near la casa de me. He was acting creepy and too attachy for my taste. I’m not sure if it’s a cultural thing but I was somewhat flattered/annoyed by his actions. Please refrain from calling me baby, trying to hold my hand, too many PDA’s, and whatever other cutesy/romantic bullshit standard faggots enjoy.

After dinner we wandered around Chelsea for a bit stopping by GYM (a gay sports bar), and XES. The former was fun. I managed to embarrass myself playing a game of pool in front of a somewhat attractive Puerto Rican daddy type (what is wrong with me! Puerto Rican? really? I guess I’m evolving). He challenged ‘Sandpaper’ to a game and, to my surprise, ‘Sandpaper’ was a ball away from winning. We left promptly after. XES was boring. We tried going to Le Bain after but it was closed for the night. I bid him adieu and walked to the ACE hotel to meet up with ‘Buck’ and ‘Jose Maria’. There was a fashion trade show party. It wasn’t very fun so we went back to Brooklyn. We made a quick pit stop at Metropolitan, then a last stop at Alligator lounge for some free pizza and more drinks. We walked back home.

Side note: I’ve been feeling very manic lately. I just realized it tho. I’d been feeling strange for a few days and it just hit me that maybe it was a manic episode. That would explain it all, basically I’ve been more sexual, more reckless, more fervent, more effervescent, and thus my posts haven’t been very ‘usual me’, as well as my behavior.

Tuesday morning was another late start. My sleeping beauties snoozed till two-ish. ‘Jose Maria’ went back to the city to handle personal business. Me and ‘Buck’ debated whether we should stay in, order food, and watch movies, but then I realized I had to meet a friend for some art openings later in the evening, so we decided to go to MOMA for a bit prior to my engagement. We barely had an hour of time before MOMA closed, so I quickly gave ‘Buck’ a tour of the highlights and a crash course in modern art history. Then I left him and ‘Jose Maria’, who met up with us, and headed to Chelsea Market to meet my friend ‘The Lady of Derbyshire’. We walked up a few blocks to the Matthew Marks Gallery for ‘La Carte d’apres Nature’ exhibit. It was nice. We tried to find other openings, but there were none so we just went to The Red Cat for drinks and cheese. It was nice to see her. I enjoy our little one on ones where we talk about work, people, and people from work. The weather was hot, but not ubberly so we strolled to the east side along 23rd st. We parted ways around Broadway and I went home.

Earlier that evening, ‘Buck’ had a dinner with his previous host/lovely friend. After his engagement,  he met me back at mine’s. We opted to do an East Village bar crawl before ending, as expected, at Le Bain. Phoenix. Heather’s. Something on Ave B. Bedlam. The first was alright, met some really annoying queer who kept arguing about the straight to gay ratio in the world with very questionable sources and “facts”. The second was phenomenal. I met Emily  Haines and her bandmate Josh and talked to them for a long time. Turns out he knows an artist we work with. She asked me for my cellphone number… just saying. The third bar on Ave. B was chill. I accidentally opened the door to the bathroom as a girl was fixing her boobs, and although a bit awkward, we laughed and drank the awkwardness off. ‘Jose Maria’ met up with us and we left for the last place. Bedlam was empty.

Le Bain was fun, as usual. We went into Boom Boom for a bit. My manic self  had us going from one side to the other. We eventually ended at the hot tub. I proceeded to do this completely naked. I kissed some South American, he fondled my penis briefly, we left.

Back in Brooklyn, we tried to find some food but almost everything was closed. It was almost 5 in the morning. I picked up a veggie bagel sandwich from the deli, ‘Buck’, and ‘Jose Maria’ were once more being princesses about the whole situation and decided to go back to my place and wait till 6 in the morning when their usual bagel shop opened. The short brown man at the deli messed up my order so I threw my bagel away and went to bed. I believe the boys stayed up and got their bagels.

Wednesday, we all woke up past 1pm. ‘Buck’ had to catch a cab at quarter past two. We didn’t get to hang out much more, but although I didn’t want him to leave, nor did he want to leave, I have a feeling we both knew it was the right time. The goodbye was nice. Not only does absence make the heart grow fonder, but also he needs to figure out his San Diego situation so he can be back in town by the fall. Like I stated, the past few days with him were not at all what I expected. It was nicer and better than I could’ve thought, and I got to see a more mature, more centered side of him I was proud of. It’s crazy how fast kids grow these days. Life goes on.

All I have left to say about this is: come back soon my dear boy, this fag needs his stag stat.

 

 

Mala Noche – Review

Last night, after having a nice home cooked spinach fettuccine with faux meat sauce and a bottle of wine, I headed to bed in a serene buzzed bliss. As usual, I woke up about 5 hours later when the effects of my self induced coma wore off. I laid in bed restless, tossing and turning, wrestling the sheets, and constantly repositioning Nigel. After about 40 minutes of unsuccessfully trying to doze back off, I got up and went on facebook. Nothing exciting happens at 6:30 a.m.

I listened to music on youtube. Heaven’s “Another Night”. Amazing song. Amazing song writer. I googled Matt Skiba (of Alkaline Trio fame), and came across a really good interview in which he was talking about watching Lars Von Trier’s “Antichrist”.

Side note – This is how my brain works: another night – matt skiba – antichrist – netflix – gus van sant’s 1985 directorial debut “mala noche”. Why? makes as much sense to me, as being awake at 6:30 in the morning.

As usual, I went on rotten tomatoes and looked at the reviews for the movie: 94%. Not bad. I streamed it, laid the laptop next to me, and laid in bed watching. I have to admit, it was a strange choice. It is black and white, the shots are hard to follow, and if it wasn’t because I spoke Spanish, there would also be the language factor/subtitles. However, it kept me engaged for a good 45 minutes. Then I passed out. *Disclaimer: it wasn’t Mr. Van Sant’s fault, it was my own body refusing to stay up as the sun comes out*

I woke up at noon and finished watching the film.

I quite liked it. Shot entirely in Portland, where Van Sant lives, it is based on the autobiographical novel of the same name by Oregon based poet Walt Curtis. It tells the story of Walt (Tim Streeter), a gay store attendant, who befriends two illegal Mexican teenageres, Johnny (Doug Cooeyate) and Pepper (Ray Monge), who end up being the object of his lust. Him and his friend Betty (Nyla McCarthy) decide to invite the boys over for dinner. The boys have to leave early to meet up with a friend. During the car ride back Walt tries to pursue Johnny to sleep with him for $15. Johnny refuses, and runs to out to meet his friend. Pepper and Walt are left locked outside, so Pepper ends up spending the night at Walt’s and having sex with him. The rest of the movie delves into the complications of the relationship between Walt, and the boys. Language barriers, difference in age, social status, and race further fuel the complexity of the bonds formed.

The characters are all together likeable and somewhat relatable, as well as quite complex. From the “Mexican  dealing with machismo/homophobia issues, yet I’m having sex with a man for ‘money’ but at the end of the day I like it”, to the “suburban American male dealing with his own issues towards his sexuality and looking for ‘love’ in the wrong places only to end up getting emotionally and physically abused time and time again”, Van Sant explored the many subtle layers each one of them has.  The movie seems quite “real” and Van Sant’s way of shooting it is successful at setting the very odd/dirty mood that makes you want to stop watching, but keeps you glued to the screen.

Overall, the perfect movie to watch whenever insomnia strikes. And if you’re as lucky as I am, that happens rather often. No complaints. Glad to have subject matter to write about.