Be Still My Heart
“I was running late for work so I didn’t change my shirt. The evening’s drinks left a lingering taste in my mouth.”
I have a boyfriend.
This post will be short and different. It is only about one day. It is also not only about the day, but about my reasoning and feelings about what the day implies. It starts like so…
‘Nickle’ woke up and left for work. I dilly dallied all day not being able to get myself motivated enough to do anything productive. I, of course, had not written, which should’ve been my priority but lately my mind’s been anywhere but present. Between anxiety, boys, and anxiety over boys, I’ve been a complete mental wreck. More than my usual self.
So I wasted the day hating myself a bit for doing so, but also thanking myself for having a day of nothing. Sometimes I forget that, although I thrive on stress, I am only human (despite sometimes not believing so), and as mortals do, I have the physical and mental need for rest.
Again, I wanted to see ‘Nickle’, despite not wanting to want to, so I made plans with him to have a date night. He had work till 6 and then he’d come meet me in the West Village for dinner and we’d ride our bikes together to the movies and then home. I did as instructed and took the ferry across the East River and into Manhattan to bike down to West 4th and Jones St. to Las Ramblas, a decent tapas place I’d been once before. He text me to let me know he was running late which was great because I was too. He showed up later than I expected and for a second I freaked out and reverting to my usual “worst case scenario” stance, I thought something had happened to him. Luckily, he was fine and we ate some muy deliciosa Spanish cuisine. I smile a lot when I’m around him.
After dinner, we walked down to TriBeCa to pick up his bike from his workplace. It was a nice autumn walk that ended with a tour of his office, and a kiss in the elevator (his first one there, he claims). We biked to the movies to see the new Ryan Gosling feature “Drive”. I had googled a bunch of other movies to watch, and this specific one was low on my list, mostly because ‘Jose Maria’ wanted me to watch it with him and I didn’t so I was just being stubborn and trying to prove I didn’t want to see it. However, as it is common when you like someone, his wish was my command.
We sat in theatres and I freaked out a bit. I have no clue why it keeps happening, but it happens. Often. Unexpected. Crippling.
I had a long battle with myself for most of the movies trying to concentrate on what I was watching, and also focusing on remaining calm and not showing the storm of anxious emotions I was experiencing inside. I kept trying to convince myself I should just call it quits because after all, I like to be alone and I believe I should. It was not a fun two hours. Regardless, I enjoyed the time spent with him which is the weirdest thing.
We left the movies and I called ‘Jose Maria’ who’s been frantically texting and calling. He asked us to join him and his friends at Ten Degrees. I asked ‘Nickle’ if he wanted to and he said he’d go for a bit because he was tired. We walked our bikes and smoked our way to the bar.
Upon arrival, ‘Jose Maria’ was with two girls I’ve met before. Both of them were curious about this new man in my life. Both of them gave me approving looks. We had a few drinks there and between smoke breaks they tried to squeeze out of me whatever gossip or tidbits I could offer. I told them I liked him. I told them I wasn’t sure where it was going. I told them I’d let them know what happened. This time, they approved verbally.
One by one the girls and ‘Jose Maria’ left, the bar closed, and we decided to take the train back to Brooklyn. I wasn’t really feeling the bridge that night. We made our customary pit stop at The Abbey before heading back to my place.
Despite having a few drinks, I was not feeling as drunk as I usually am. I was in a good mood and I was smiling a lot. I decided to take a leap of faith and tell him that I wanted to really date him. I’m not sure if he understood where I was going at first, but then I referred to him with the magic word and he was on board. We were now officially boyfriends. Naturally, we fooled around that night and it was great. There was something in the air that night. I passed out in his arms.
Wednesday I woke him up uttering the phrase “Good Morning Boyfriend”, which felt right. Whenever I ask him: “Why me?”, his answer always is: “You fit”. I can’t really grasp that concept completely because I’m still in disbelief this man likes me so much. It is not that I don’t believe I’m a great catch, but I also know I’m kind of crazy, and I don’t think he’s spent enough time with me to feel the way he does. I just want to make sure he knows what he’s feeling and he isn’t just idolizing me because he’s been single for a while.
Most of my friends disagree with me and see his point. That morning, I kind of did too.
“And I thought: be still my heart. This could be a brand new start, with you. And it will be clear if I wake up and you’re still here with me in the morning.”