About love and other drugs.
A few days ago I heard a friend said his friend said he wanted to meet someone who he can loose his hair with and not care. I found this an extreme statement of what I guess “true love” is. I was listening to Florence and the Machine on shuffle earlier and the song “you’ve got the love” started playing. I’d heard this song many times before even before Florence did her take on it. I started thinking: now that’s true love. I understand what loosing hair is supposed to mean, but I don’t really care nor have major insecurities about my looks. I do, however, have a major issue with my anxiety. It is a very private thing. People don’t get to see it because: a) it’s not their problem, b) it’s very personal and they don’t deserve to, c) it’s embarrassing. For those of you who’ve seen it full fledged, and I have fingers left on one hand to count how many have been “lucky”, you know it’s not a pretty thing.
Anyway… I related to the song because I guess if I was to find true love, I’d probably find it in the person who not only is OK with my anxiety and my self medication, as opposed to conventional treatment, but also, the person I feel worthy and comfortable enough to let them see it. It’s true love, a somewhat godly, selfless appreciation for another being. All or nothing. Ever inviting. Ever embracing. Ever comforting. That one safe haven you, or at least my crazy Pisces self, run to when feeling threatened.
I know it sounds too utopian and absurd. It should be. Love is not as easily found as we like to believe. For those of you who think I like to portray a heartless, numb asshole, you’re wrong and you’re right. You’re right in the sense that yes, I’m very emotional and a hopeless romantic, as you claim I truly am, and as every Pisces usually is… but you’re wrong in the sense that I do sometimes strive to be a numb, heartless asshole. It’s not a facade. Because more than heartless, I’m quite hopeless… I don’t find it easy for others to share my very specific mindset… and thus, I refuse to waste time. After all, I do firmly believe that the whole idea of finding a partner and settling down in order to be happy and have a fulfilled life is completely ridiculous and needs to be eradicated from the human zeitgeist. We can be perfectly fulfilled and happy flying solo. So unless my equally demented prince charming/clone comes, this toad is remaining amphibian.