the.applied.process.

wit. honesty. everyday ramblings.

About love and other drugs.

A few days ago I heard a friend said his friend said he wanted to meet someone who he can loose his hair with and not care. I found this an extreme statement of what I guess “true love” is. I was listening to Florence and the Machine on shuffle earlier and the song “you’ve got the love” started playing. I’d heard this song many times before even before Florence did her take on it. I started thinking: now that’s true love. I understand what loosing hair is supposed to mean, but I don’t really care nor have major insecurities about my looks. I do, however, have a major issue with my anxiety. It is a very private thing. People don’t get to see it because: a) it’s not their problem, b) it’s very personal and they don’t deserve to, c) it’s embarrassing. For those of you who’ve seen it full fledged, and I have fingers left on one hand to count how many have been “lucky”, you know it’s not a pretty thing.

Anyway… I related to the song because I guess if I was to find true love, I’d probably find it in the person who not only is OK with my anxiety and my self medication, as opposed to conventional treatment, but also, the person I feel worthy and comfortable enough to let them see it. It’s true love, a somewhat godly, selfless appreciation for another being. All or nothing. Ever inviting. Ever embracing. Ever comforting. That one safe haven you, or at least my crazy Pisces self, run to when feeling threatened.

I know it sounds too utopian and absurd. It should be. Love is not as easily found as we like to believe. For those of you who think I like to portray a heartless, numb asshole, you’re wrong and you’re right. You’re right in the sense that yes, I’m very emotional and a hopeless romantic, as you claim I truly am, and as every Pisces usually is… but you’re wrong in the sense that I do sometimes strive to be a numb, heartless asshole. It’s not a facade. Because more than heartless, I’m quite hopeless… I don’t find it easy for others to share my very specific mindset… and thus, I refuse to waste time. After all, I do firmly believe that the whole idea of finding a partner and settling down in order to be happy and have a fulfilled life is completely ridiculous and needs to be eradicated from the human zeitgeist. We can be perfectly fulfilled and happy flying solo. So unless my equally demented prince charming/clone comes, this toad is remaining amphibian.

Fish tacos, excrushes, and sing alongs.

“Welcome home” is what the customs official behind gate #28 (obviously I specifically picked this gate) said to me after I showed him my documents. It certainly felt that way. I was back, and this time, perhaps due to my lack of massive facial hair, I was allowed back home with very minimal effort, and big open arms.

The luggage inspection lady wasn’t as friendly, but still way better than usual. She handed me over to another really nice official who I made small talk about Mexican food and in-n-out (the only things on my mind) with as he was going through my bag. He let me go with another “welcome home”.

I texted my good friend ‘Reindeer’, who I was to stay with, as soon as I had a cigarette in my mouth. First things first. He was hanging out with his lovely female friend, and so I told him not to rush, and just let me know where and when I could meet him. I went back inside, charged my phone, texted my Mexican crush (‘Latin T’), googled the closest rubio’s, and wasted about an hour on Facebook and grindr. I then took the BART to embarcadero and indulged in a fish taco, a shrimp taco, a beer, and some beans and chips. The (lesbian) lady at rubio’s was also nice. I truly felt welcomed.

I heard back from ‘Reindeer’ and hailed a cab to his place. It drove me right past ‘SF boy’s’ old place. It feels weird to be here and not contact him, but I’m sure he knows I’m here, and he could do the same if he wanted (which he won’t), and its time to get completely over him. After all, I’m fairly certain that, if anything good, was to come out of him, it’d be after plenty a headaches, and my head is already aching enough from my hang over and jet lag. Also, the constant back and forth texting with ‘Latin T’ had me concentrating my time on more potentially fruitful investments.

The cab ride took no time. I beat ‘Raindeer’ to his place, but only by a couple minutes. He had a brown paper bag with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. I’m not surprised we’re friend’s. We promptly poured a whiskey coke and started catching up. Cigarettes. Whiskey. Rinse and repeat.

That night, we went to a karaoke bar. It was ridiculously fun. There were some familiar faces from college there. More whiskey. Some somewhat cute hipster sang “What’s My Age Again?”. I briefly fell in love. Cigarettes. One of the girls I knew from college did a stellar performance of “I Just Had Sex”. More whiskey. We left the bar and headed to the next stop.

Whiskey. Cigarettes. A game of pool. A crazy, old, horny woman who was mad at ‘Raindeer’ for having a girlfriend. We didn’t stay long.

On the way home, we stopped for some late night Mexican. Tomorrow I want in-n-out and more rubio’s.